Self Destruction
by If Only Cacti Could Fly
Summary: Yahiko is tormented daily by everything Pein does. Over time he cannot take the pain anymore. After he has sunken to the lowest of low he degrades him self even more for Pein's affection, but not telling him how he really feels until his last dying breath


**This fanfiction has mentions of sex between two males and a male and a female, if you are against either in any way, please leave now…**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or any of the characters, they all belong to Masashi Kishimoto, but if I did own them, all of the female characters would be killed off almost immediately and it would be one big yaoi-palooza.

**Warning: **This is yaoi, intimate interaction between two males. If you do not like this kind of stuff or do not believe in it then please click the back arrow (located next to the forward arrow and on my internet it is on the far left side of the browser, if it is different on yours then please locate it _**now**_). And I hope the letters hit you on the way out and scar you for life, because yaoi is my one true passion and you have destroyed it in a burning red flame of homophobic hatred…

**Important: **I do not know if any of this really happens in the anime, this is a product of my over active imagination. If any if this does in fact happen in the anime, then I officially dub myself psychic.

**XXX**

_**There is Konan bashing in this one-shot!!!!**_

**VERY Important: **This is a Nagato x Yahiko fanfiction, which takes place a few years after they have left Jiraiya and are returning to Amegakure. _**It takes place before Nagato changes his name to Pein, though he does in the story, and Yahiko looks the way he does when Nagato takes over his body, piercings, pointy orange hair, and all!!**_

**This fanfiction is in Yahiko's Point of View**

Anyway, Without further adieu, onto Self Destruction

**XXX**

I looked around the forest boredly, we, we being Nagato, Konan, and I, had stopped for the night. It was very late, I would estimate about one in the morning or so. Pein and Konan had gone out to look for something edible, I was suppose to make sure no one came near the campsite. Not that I could do much, I was badly wounded from a fight earlier.

The fire was thriving. It had just the right amount of fuel to keep it in its prime, courtesy of Nagato. It seems everything that the black haired male did was wonderful.

Konan and I on the other hand… We weren't perfect.

Me especially.

Sure, I was strong, but that isn't everything. I don't really have any other redeeming besides it though.

Konan on the other hand…

She wasn't strong. She didn't have any really powerful jutsu that she could use.

But she was a female.

She had a figure.

And from experience I know that she wasn't afraid to use it to her advantage.

That is why Nagato flipped over her.

Not because she is pretty.

She's not.

Not because she _good looking._

She's not.

Not because she is sweet.

She's not.

Not because she has a nice disposition.

Everyone knows she doesn't.

No. Pein only liked her for her body.

Sometimes, when I'm suppose to be sleeping, I secretly wish that I had a nice body. Maybe then I could catch Nagato's eye. If I was attractive he would look at me, if he a homosexual or not.

Nagato didn't have to be infatuated with me for me to be content.

No.

If he would just look at me with an expression other than total indifference, then I would be satisfied.

_Satisfaction. _That is something that I have never felt in my entire life. I have always felt inferior to someone or something else.

Like at this very moment in time I felt inferior to Konan. She had Nagato's undivided attention, which she flaunted whenever she found to opportunity to do so. While all I could do was sit and watch as she manipulated my one and only friend.

I use the term _friend_ not because I want to have that relationship, but it is the most intimate term that I can use to describe what we have.

I briefly wondered what was taking to duo so long.

They had been gone for over an hour and I still could not pick up any chakra, which indicated that they were not within the general vicinity of where I am.

'_They're probably screwing each other somewhere…'_

I shivered at the disgusting mental images that my mind brought me.

Well… I must admit not all of them were as horrible as I wanted to believe. The images that involved Konan were quite nauseating. But when Nagato was added it was almost bearable. When I thought of the dark haired man alone I fond my mouth watering involuntarily.

While I was in my own X-rated world, filled with images of a certain _friend_, I didn't notice when two chakra signatures _(A/N: I don't know what the word is for them… If you know, I would be very grateful if you told me) _came into the perimeter.

Nor did I notice when two bodies made their way over to me.

Only when my nose was attacked by the smell of sweat and sex did my trance break.

I looked up, trying to keep my expression the same as it was previously, but not fully masking the shock and hurt that graced my features momentarily.

Standing before me was Konan.

When I saw her smug face it took every bit of resolve I had to not rip her limb from limb. The only thing that stopped me was my conscience telling me.

'_Nagato will not be pleased Yahiko, he may never forgive you… Think before you act!'_

Even then it took strength not to harm her in some way.

Nagato was over by the fire, adding more fuel. He had something dead that reeked of blood laying next to him.

He looked over at me momentarily and I felt myself flush. Only to realize he was staring at Konan.

I was crestfallen for a moment, but then got up and limped away slowly. They both knew better then to follow me. I often walked off alone, it was my way of cooling off without doing anything a may regret… Though I still don't think that I would ever regret killing the whore…

**XXX**

We were closed to Amegakure, a few weeks away, Nagato had told us this morning as we set off for another day of brutal traveling.

I didn't mind it one bit, not like Konan did… All she knew how to do was complain…

"_Nagato can we stop, my feet hurt…"_

"_Sweetie, can we slow down a little, we're going a little too fast…"_

"_Baby, I'm getting a little hungry, can we stop and get something to eat?"_

"_It's time for my beauty sleep!! Let's stop under these trees, it's nice and dark over here…"_

We have been traveling for eight hours and those were just a few of the complaints that she had for us, for Nagato.

I wondered if it would really take only a few weeks if we kept stopping every several minutes to tend to Konan's every whim, because Kami knows, she had more than the sky had stars.

I sighed.

At the moment we, we being Nagato and I, were sitting on a tree's branch in a particularly lofty oak.

It was rare that we sat together. He usually made himself comfortable next to Konan, while the bitch, knowing how I felt about Nagato, (she said it was her _female intuition_) made sure I stayed a fair distant away from him.

But today, Konan wanted to rest, claiming that she needed to take her afternoon nap. Nagato being the compassionate man he is let her _"Take all the time she needed…" _

So I was pretty sure she wasn't going to know where I sat while she slept on the forest floor.

I looked over at Nagato for a brief moment, not knowing that he was already looking in my direction… Was he actually looking at me?

Probably not.

I smiled weakly at him, not really positive my voice would work. He nodded at me firmly, acknowledging me for once.

I noted how he gave me the occasional glance when Konan wasn't around, but whether it was because he didn't want her to catch him looking at me or he didn't have anything (I would use the term **anyone** but I don't think whores like Konan fall under the qualifications for that particular word) to gaze at.

I shook my head, Nagato in turn giving me a slightly puzzled look. I shrugged it off, an art that I have truly mastered. I was thankful that he didn't ask any further questions.

It was extremely quiet for a long time, not one of us utter a single syllable to each other, then all of a sudden Nagato called my name. I looked up at him questioningly, giving him my undivided attention.

"Yes Nagato?"

"What do you think, when we get back to Amegakure, of starting an organization, to help overthrow Hanzo, or after we kill him, to help us keep rule over the village?"

His eyes almost sparkled, with a sickening sort of mischief that took my breath away more than the words he was speaking.

"Why would we do that?"

I choked out nervously, starting to finger the bar in my left ear, the one facing away from Nagato who was perched on my right side.

He laughed at my foolishness.

"If we want to take over every Hidden Village we have to start somewhere don't we? Why not start in Amegakure, the village that has been so cruel to us?"

His words made me shiver. Why was I never told that we were going to take over, basically, the whole damn world? Did Nagato recently go insane? Or was this an ongoing event that I was happily oblivious to?

"Why are we going to do that?"

I asked, referring to taking over the Hidden Villages.

Nagato chuckled darkly again.

"To have every human on this earth experience what true pain is!"

I gulped… Wanting to ask a question that had popped into my mind, but not wanting to inflict the wrath of Nagato upon me… Too bad the words formed before my train of thought did…

And I heard the question leave my lips, dreading the answer…

"But we're humans too, does that mean that we'll be in pain too?"

Another chuckle.

"My dear Yahiko," I shuddered as he said that, "You may be a human, but you have experienced true pain, you carry the burden of true pain every day of your life, but I, living in an infinite universe of pain, have grown from a person into something more."

I gapped, but not letting myself have nothing to say, I asked another question.

"What about Konan?"

"She is my angel. She does not have to experience the same pain as you and I because I will protect her innocence and her delicate heart from this cruel world."

When he said that I couldn't help the scoff I let out, it was either that or I would break down and cry in front of him, and that's something I promised myself I'd never do…

He glared at me, as if challenging me, and since I was blinded by hurt and sadness that I didn't want to face.

"Her?!" I flinched as it came out in a choked cry, Nagato's glare softened as he looked at my pained eyes with a perplexed look.

"She isn't innocent and she certainly isn't an angel!!"

I was alarmed by my ferocious tone, not really believing that it was still me speaking.

Then Nagato spoke up, his voice as venomous and emotionless as I have ever heard it.

"_**Do not **_**speak one more word of Konan or I will **_**not **_**hesitate to kill you." **

Not really being myself today I laughed bitterly, taking my hand off of my piercing that I had been fiddling with hand resting it on the rough bark, turning my body so I was face to face with Nagato, glaring at him head on.

"Do it! See if I care!! I have nothing to live for as you said!! Please take me from this world! Get me away from both of you! I cannot stand one more night of smelling the scent of your semen on her body!"

On the last sentence my voice cracked. Nagato's eyes widened to an absurd degree, (for Nagato that is, if it were a normal person, the difference would have only been slight) and for one moment I think that he was completely at a loss for words.

We sat in silence, my body frozen in a defense sitting position and Nagato's in a state of shock and vulnerability, until **her** screechy, shudder (in a bad way) worthy voice broke through the silence.

"I'm done!! We can go now!!"

Well, that isn't what she really said, more along the lines of how she'll never be able to sleep comfortably on the forest floor. Then she went on about how she'll live like a queen when we takeover Amegakure. The little skank of course had to take a blow at my feelings by saying how Nagato will be her king… Dumb slut… Probably doesn't even know what royalty is… Because she surely isn't, royalty _**usually**_ doesn't sleep around with who ever they Goddamn think will give them a good fuck.

**XXX**

Things could not have been more screwed up at this point.

Everything was completely fucked up.

Nagato and I had successfully over thrown Hanzo and anyone who disagreed with Nagato's way of thinking.

Konan did nothing.

I am seriously doubting that she **can** to anything besides sleeping around of course…

Yes, she's wonderful at that.

Every night I would take several showers, trying desperately to wash off the blood of all of the innocent people that we did away with.

I couldn't sleep… At all.

Insomnia was a small price to pay though, for all of the sins I have committed.

Nagato is no longer the man I fell in love with what seems like so many moons ago, he is a rutheless dictator, who doesn't care for anyone but himself and his _angel_.

I can't take this anymore.

He has been ripping my heart into pieces ever since I developed feelings for him and I can no longer take the pain of it anymore, it has become much to much to bear.

But still, every time I see the man I thought I knew once, I become infatuated with the mericeless killer all over again. Even though my mind begs my heart to let go of him, the organ stubbornly doesn't take heed, or even notice the unbearable pain that I am forced to live with on a daily bases because of the same man.

I try not to think about him, but I just can't, he has become a necessity, something that I cannot live without. An epidemic that is slowly taking over me, no matter how hard I try to shake it.

**XXX**

I didn't know how I buildt up the courage, but I did.

I was now, at this very moment in Pein's (Nagato had changed his name and forced everyone to call him his choosen name, a name _"Everyone will remember as the name of the greatest God to have ever existed"_) office, actually telling him how I feel.

No, I am not telling him that I am madly in love with him and I have been since the very day I met him.

No.

I am telling him that I am through being used by him.

And I mean used in every sense of the word.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, especially physically as of late, because his precious slut is mad at him, and for the moment, I am the only one who will replace her, not really minding the abuse.

Somehow my yelling soon turns into him hugging me hollowly, obviously not meaning it.

Not too long after, hugging turns into passionless kissing, which soon turns into passionless carresses, which eventually turns into lust-filled fucking.

And I leave his office the the same way as I did before.

Broken.

The only noticeable change was my limping. Which was because of the pain that was almost as unbearable that was coursing through my spine, down to my backside. It was almost as unbearable as the pain in my heart, but not quite as intense, because I knew it would go away, before being inflicted again.

I wasn't foolish enough to believe that the ache in my chest was ever going to go away, or get better for that matter, only worse.

I went back to my room and went to sleep, dreaming of the man who was the cause of my self destruction.

**XXX**

Pein liked to toy with people's emotions.

That much about him I knew.

I couldn't put together the rest of the puzzle though, but as Pein once said, you cannot put something together that did not want to be fixed.

Somehow I think that was a very good definition for how I felt about him now.

No matter what I do, who I seek for help, it won't matter.

I do not want to let Pein go.

I do not want to be fixed.

I can't live without him.

It was a hard fact to face at first, I didn't want to believe it at first. I didn't want to believe that I relied on our requent sessions in his office to get me through the week, sometimes even the day.

What killed me the most was I was the one who initiated each one of these get togethers. I was becoming bad, if not worse than Konan, which was a horrible realization to come to.

I needed to feel needed, though I knew that Pein could go anywhere and get anyone he wanted. It was the privilege that he let me be the one to receive the pain.

I was the one that he thrust inside of, not Konan or anyone else.

I was the one that he dominated brutally over and over, not Konan or anyone else.

Sure, it was a very sick reasoning and it never healed throb that always beat behind my ribcage, but I was in such bliss that I forgot about it, if only for a moment…

But short term healing never helped in the long run, sometimes, like in this case, it only made things worse.

Now, here I am, doing the only thing that I promised myself I would not sink so low as to do.

It's amazing how I thought that I could never get any dirtier than offering my body to someone who couldn't give a damn less about me, but here I am, crying in front of Pein, begging for him to just kill me in the most brutal way possible.

He seems a little taken aback by my actions, but declines calmly none the less.

So, I am in Hell forever.

**XXX**

Forever wasn't as long as I thought it was.

I was positive that I was going to be in agony forever, for all eternity.

But as it turns out Pein, being the gracious God that he was, spared me.

Now I am laying on the floor, watching my blood leaving my body, praying for it to be over soon.

Looking back on it, I wished that I begged Pein to make it quick and easy, because when I asked for brutal, he made sure he gave me just that and maybe a little bit more.

Not only was I slowly being suffocated by a long sharp string of metal that was wrapped tightly around my esophagus, but I had the same long sharp string of metal stitched through every organ that wouldn't instantly kill me. Each organ carefully cut out of my body, though still connected, he assured me it was so I could still feel it slowly fading.

I watched him do all of his and much more to me as I was fully conscious through the entire process.

I felt him cut off a few of my limbs, not anything major, just a forearm or two, maybe a foot…

As he said it was nothing that he couldn't stitch back on when he used my corpse to try a new jutsu on.

Which was the only reason he had agreed to kill me in the first place.

I looked over, at a few of my bones that lay next to me, a few ribs, and some other bones that I couldn't name off the top of my head.

Pein had been surprised that I lived through his torture, even more shocked and amused that I was still conscious through the whole process, taking a jab at the bit of pride I had left by saying

"_I always knew you had an incredible amount of stamina."_

I adverted my gaze from my pile of bones, to my clothes thrown around the room haphazardly. Pein was always quite sick in that sense. While he screwed me for the last time he had been more content that I had ever seen him, and because of this, despite the overwhelming pain that my body was in, I still felt more pleasure than anything else.

He made sure after he fucked me, he gave me the most meaningful kiss that I have ever received. It was full of passion and emotion, so much so that halfway through, I burst into tears, not having done so throughout the entire torture I had received from him.

When he broke away from me, he walked to the other side of the room and sat down, promptly beginning to read as if nothing had ever happened.

Now I lay, lips tingling, body dismantled, eyes still wet, and even on the verge of death the oppressive weight my heart held was still intolerable.

My breath soon became labored, vision hazy, throat dry, ears ringing loudly, and consciousness slowly leaving me.

With my last bit of life I had in me, I screamed how I really felt for Pein all of these years, I screamed words I promised myself I would never say out loud.

I finally told him that I loved him…

But it was too late…

**XXX**

Well… I really think that this story sucks royally, I do not like the way that the ending turned out, or the story in general for that matter.

It was too confusing, I kept jumping around, but that is how I think of it, **I would love to hear your thoughts on it!!**

_By the way… This is the First Nagato x Yahiko fanfiction on this website!!!_


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